Can I ?

-Can I get my happiness with someone that hasn't understand what's the meaning of it?-
I'm in the middle of watching transformer
But my mind crossing all over things except the movie! Funny! Cos everybody is talking bout the movie... But, I'm not in the good mood for evrything!...

(Aaaaaa sam just said 'stop complaining!)

I shouldn't talk my sadness or my problems here, but no place for me to share.. I don't need a solution or someone to calm me or watever.... I just need to get this freaky things out of my mind!

I just know that many ppl haven't find the meaning of life... Isn't that what we should lookin for? Not money not all the good stuff in the world....
I hang out with someone, the X... Who loves to spend money to buy some xpensive branded things.... I've never dare 2 asked the purpose why X doing that things..

(Girls like dangerous boys! -mikaela)

Is someone get the price by outfit they used? Or by evry single xpensive things they own???
But then this is just my thought... If u can't get comfy with evry single things that u hve n tryin to fit into something that u can't even handle..... U just NOTHING ....
I hope I can change X... Can I? ................
I do miss something peacefull in my heart, mind and soul... But even I can't achieve that till the end of my life... I'm gratefull with evrything I've been through....
Evry sadness
Evry happiness
Evry joy
Evry anger, dissapointed
Evry love that I've been given or been taken from me
I'm gratefull for evry single of it!

Love! Smooooch!

steady....

Hm.. i don't hve something to share actually... but then i just want to write...
i was reading my fren's blog.. it contains some info about indies movie.. and i was attached at this quote there're some actually...

"it's like Newton's first principle; beauty is inversely proportional to brain"

"Why did God create us differently if God only wants to be worshipped one way?"
"That's why God created Love, so that those who are different can unite!"

"We have been given the privilege to learn more. Those who know nothing is easier provoked"

"God loves Cina(man) and Annisa (woman), but they cannot love each other because they call God using different names"

"Religion is the cheapest propaganda that has caused countless historical human slaughters!"

-------------- can't wait to see the movie----------------------
see youtube for the trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvXVDo3OHUs

some.. encourage...

-There is no road signs in life; no sign telling us to stop, make a right, make a left or even to slow down. There is no road map in life and not every thing in life laid out according to plan.That is what makes life interesting in one way and frightening on the other. It is really up to us to make a decision in life -

like drivin a car huh????? only without sign and rules and everything :o
Taken from someone's blog.. which i don't know where, cause the person still not telling me the address... thanks to him..


-Miss ya-

New Life

Hello,

Hold on..... I'm not having a new life I just in the middle of program that has that theme!

Yeap... That's a lil bit scary and desperate to hear..... But, maybe for some ppl this is the only way to face their problem......

I've been join this program a couple times and all of them was never comin from my request... Either my frens called me to accompany or somebody just told me to come and not need any NO answer! (It's happen to me now :p )

I know,and fully understand that all of these are important for my life but then a part of me... That I've had taken care for such a long n hard way.... I can't just let it go... Even I know somehow evrything would be okay! I'm afraid confused and feel guilty at the same time.... Yeap... Another cloudy mind.... I hope I can get through thiz....

What love can buy

Bed but not sleep

Medicine but not health

Luxuries but not culture

Amusement but not happines

Acquintance but not friends

Finery but not beauty

House but not home

Food but not appetite

Computer but not brains

SeX but not LOVE

Enjoying home all day long!

Yap... That's correct... I'm not working today.. And when I asked my mom to go shopping with me, she said she gonna take my sist for swimming, even in the end it's raining...and my sist cancelled swimming... So I end up at my room watching How I met Your Mother season 4...
There is no coincidence, evrything happen for a reason rite? Guess wat... There's been traffic evrywheree so... I was so lucky didn't go anywhere ;)
Besides, I watched a very nice series... I like the story about 3 days later... Kinda insult Jesus, but hey...they surely got a point....I'll write the complete quote... Later... But I like the other story ... Here's the quote I like : you can't plan your life..... "U can't design ur life like a building
U just hve to live it and it will design itself" --- gosh I love this word so much.. Yeap n I'm still tryin to live my life ... And try not to design or planning perfectly my entire life... I know somehow fairytales not always hve a happy ending but at least they ever felt happy... No matter what my ending... I'll take it as my design... My only design of my life -- E.O.S

!Bad mood!

Yap! I'm waking up at 5am in the morning and I feel bad... Don't ask me why cos I don't even know..Why am I feel this way... Should I cry,laugh or angry? I still not know the answer... But one thing that I know for sure that today is going to be a long daaaaay....
This couple months 'something' tryin to play with my heart.... I said something cos I'm not so sure about... Is it destiny, wishes comin true or jokes or hope or whateva.... But one thing I learn is coincidence never exist!!! Every single thing happen for a reason.... And ready or not we hve to be prepared to choose... I was thinking bout my past (I'm not looking back.....) And I finally a lil bit understand... How life sometimes play with me.... How evrything can be a big chaos.... But that's the essence of life isn't it? Without that our life would be so dull.... I was too afraid to do mistakes (who's not anyway???) And that's why I'm always standing in the very safe position, I will not get hurt... O yeah.... But I'm loosing something... When ppl stop doing mistakes... They stop learning.... Coz in the end.... The one who's going to get hurt most is ME... I don't learn anything, I left behind and I can't turn back time whatsoever!
Aaaaaaahhh I'm babbling here... Yap! Wanna know why? Bcos I hve to shout and say somethiiiiiiing.... N I've troubled all my fren a lot with all my babbling before :(....
Tiredddddd.... Better stop here or I'm gonna crush my cellphone :)

Ending n Beginning

Phew... Been so stress... I hve to ended my loooong relationship bcos there is no future for us both... But then isomething cross in my mind... Is the future things only my selfishness? Or is it a fact? Am I not trying so hard to fight for my relationship? Or I just haven't felt love that could make me sacrifice evrything.. But, it's done... I already said it... Then why something feels empty inside me... My fren said it's a normal thing to feel like that.. I'm still a human... even there's nothing to lose and the decision is pure out from my mouth... I just felt sorry for him... In the other hand.... Thanks to evryone who's been supporting me to ended this complicated relationship... Cos I should've ended long long time ago when I realize that there's no future for us.... I hate this part.... :) hope there is a new love for me.... N for him ......

-negative thought-

Wake up in the morning and I hve to hear some theory bout the negativenesss (is that word exist??) Well I've had fun thin month but hearing such a negative thought makes me wanna shouted n said come ooooonnn dude.. What's going on wit u!?! Life isn't and never gonna be easy but we hve to look in positive ways, at least.. Gosh I just really need time to relax... I'm waiting for end of july huaaaaaa... Oh and I hope my brain, mind, and soul won't be contaminated with such a bad thinking way....

~am i guilty?!~

Hello,

been through a lot this month... yeap.... i feel like i'm in a new chapter of my life or is it just a prologue? and i hven't even started anything..... :)

I've been looking into myself.. deeply... there is a bitch complaining about the way i am... and one of my fren said that perhaps if she too much complaining i hve to look back to myself am i losing my control or did wrong, is she said a truth or just a bluff???.... thanks to my fren... cos i've been thinking a lot... and maybe i'm a lil bit of losing my control.... but i'm just a human... trying to be a better person....
but then.... i just can't forgive the way the bitch treat me.... i'll prove it that i can improve a lot better..
we'll seee just seeeeee HUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH phewwww

nobody likes to be complained rite? even if we're truly wrong LOL... yeap... I'm just expressing the way i am.. but accept a complain from someone that has more more more more mistakes than me.. can i????? i'm sad, angry, but yet try to think..... can't i just make mistakes and fix it later?
just don't answer it.... :)

~i miss you~

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do
Said I've been needin you
(Said I'm needin you)
Wantin you
Wonderin if you're the same and
Who's been with youIs your heart still mine
(Is your heart still mine)

I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
Off to college
Yes you went away
Straight from highschool
You up and left me
We were close friends also lovers
Did everything for one another
Now you're gone
And I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow

[Bridge]
Come back to me(to me)
Can you hear me (callin)
Hear me callin (for you) for youcuz it's

[Chorus]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do Said I've been needin you
Ooh...Ooh
Wantin you
Wonderin if you're the same and
Who's been with you
Is your heart still mine
(Is your heart still mine)
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
Now I'm sittin here
Thinkin bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin me crazy I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin if you still care
And I don't want to let you knowthat it's killin me
I know you got another life
And gotta concentrate baby


>>>>>>. for someone out there who missed someone.... <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

~Balance LIfe~

~opening theme song... supermassive blackhole:MUSE~

Wow... i can say this week is a really meaningfull week for me... people said that life's round like a circle... this week that happen to me.. i've been up and down but that makes me realize that i have colourful life like everyone else and my life ain't dull...... the best part is this week start with sad things and ended with happy things........... BUT (there's always but for everything isn't it....)

for those who read my previous diary... could notice that i'm a kind of person that hard to appreciate my life... not because i life in a hard position but i've been hard on myself.... for the pressure i had. okay sooo... the BUT is...

This happy feeling that i had.. is not a fair, true, or a right thing that i supposed to do.... maybe...
but the guilty n the pleasure.... is the best thing that i've ever felt since the last time i have it....and i think i still can manage that.. hope this is just my way to find the meaning of my life... i'm searching, hunting, and trying to be a better person.... I believe i will

We never know if we doing any mistake before we've done it...
Never trying something that you can do is the biggest mistake u'll done in ur life..... :)
for those bad or good is not our power to judge it.....
Peace ^_^

~~~many many thanks to someone who hold my secret ~~~~~~~~ luv ya X.O.X.O

Ouch how I want this

Whew...
I really want this thing... I don't know why
I'm on my shop diet.. More exactly is parfume shopping diet... So far I can manage my wanted... But then.. Some evil bring this things and I..... Crushed lol
I guess I'm gonna buy it... If I'm not forgot lol... I like pretty things and this one so pretty

Weird feelings

Wow... these past 4 days been busy for me....
i hve to deal with my sis disease and my work...
my students hve exam and i have to prepare the practice for them..
can't sleep well of course. and I hve a lil fever here
so then.. my problem is ... I have a very super sensitive things with one of parent...
i dunno what did i do wrong.. but she seems avoid me..... but then i don't want to think about it
n it;s happen 2nd time.. and i still gonna hve to meet about 6 more times this month..
that means.... i have to say shit everytime i go there..... :)

never mind... i've been hard to myself lately... things happen so fast and i change myself, i denied a couple things i love to do and not so idealist anymore.. if i were a 'matter' i will be in gas state now.... and long time ago i was in solid state....
how come that happen... sometimes i missed myself back then when i'm in high school.. i have faith, i have fun, i have events too.... now.... older enough to understand a couple things in life.. only makes everything gone bad... i closed my treasure box and stop playing with my dream :(
sad isn't it... some ppl never want to admit that they life in the shadow... and sometimes all the success ppl live in their dream to.. they see world as a happy beautifull place.. but me... i see this.. as a big mess.. chaos... just wait to see when something will crash one click...

yeah.... sounds crap?!? the one who thinks this is a crap... they have crappier thought than this world already has.... u knowwww.... just admit it... it;s hard to see things go to an end when u haven't get anything done... but what's done? nobody know.... yeah nor u nor me......

superstitious

woah... it's been the 2nd day.. since my lil sister in hospital.... and for a thousand times i'll repeat it that I hate hospital....
I'm in a good condition when i enter that room.. and this morning i came home with a lil bit heat on my body.... and i can't take care my sister now... zzzz really miss her...
Okay the reason about why i hate hospital so much is because a "fairytale" that my mom ever told me... LOL.. actually it's a ghost story about how many times she saw 'things' in hospital.. and it came in a Nurse shape... geeeezz.. so for a long nite, i was awake... wondering if the nurse that came to check my sis is a person or a 'beeeeeeep' and here i am laying on my own bed typing in my blog.. that hopefully my sister will get well sooon ....

i miss u my cutie lil sister that sometimes annoyed me with her own jokes... love ya.......

Songs.... :)

Recently i've been hearing this song..... regularly LOL

Rihanna - Hate on The club
Now this be the last time you did me wrong
No more laying up in your arms
No calling, saying you want me back
I'm packing my bags, what you think about that?
Stayed at home like a good girl do
But Tonight baby you got me sad and blue
I just heard about the girl in your car now, kissing at the bar
Got me crying

[Chorus:]
Ohhh, you got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Oh you took my love
Now you got me like whoahhh
You got me hatin' on the club
'Cause you took my love
Why'd you have to take my loveWhoahh

And you can be mad at me all you
ain't coming in, I'll be waiting out front
Coming out the door with your girlfriend
You did me wrong boy tell me where our love is
I Stayed at home like a good girl do
But Tonight baby you got me sad and blue
I just heard about the girl in your car now, kissing at the bar
Got me crying

back to [Chorus:]

Now this is the sound of a broken heart
There's only one reason why we're apart
She never woulda made it to your car
If it wasn't for the club, I'd still have my
would still have usI'd still have my love
We would still have us
But now we're like whoahhhh
Ohhh, you got me hatin' on the club'Cause you took my love
Oh you took my loveBut now, now we're like whoahhh
You got me hatin' on the clubYou took my loveOh you took my love

~luv it~

I'm tired

Yeap I'm still in my bad mood for my period and sometimes I feel like I don't really want to ........ Never mind....
I just feel a lil bit jealousy with some of my frens... Yeah... I hve a bad feeling that I couldn't get my happily ever after life... Yeap that thing only a fairytale.... But then how I should go on with my life... When nothing I could do for changing it to better.... I don't have enough power to do or maybe I just wish that the world end soon, so I don't hve to do anything....

Gyahahahahhaha- pathetic square.... Geeez....

~imitation of life~

HI there... yeap... today i'm in my lowest mood which means... i really want to vanished from this world... like jumper maybe.... sometimes i'm thinking about how it would feel to erase someone entirely from this world.. not only death, but all about that particular person.... from memories and so on. If God really write everything on it, He could erase it... but people need to adapt which only can be learned by previous action... no memories mean nothing gonna move forward...

Well the reason i've been sensitive about my life is... actually i should be happy rite.. but nobody is happy enough with their life.. there always a thousand reason to deny a happiness.
Okay.. so the reason is.. are.. perhaps... :) hatred toward some ppl.... i've been underestimated about my ability in my field... i'm a tutor but yet one 'biatch' who also a tutor makes a statement about tutor is a fake teacher.. gosh..... what the hell wrong with you... eating her own shit...
and now i've been thinking to become a teacher... but i don't want my reason to be a teacher is because that biatch statement...
the other reason maybe these past days i loss my confidence.. like i've been try so hard but then it's not enough to impress no improvement... i think i'm gonna change my mood tomorrow
i don't like ppl anymore.. and i want to be a mean person... ------ that is only my thought.. lol that's why before all of my thought become real, i want to vanished... could someone erase me??? just erase... forget that i ever lived in this world...

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Reader!!

I just read this blog when i'm googling some movie... it's shinjuku incident.. says in wikipedia that TAKIZAWA HIDEAKI cast on that movie... i wonder which cast is he play... :) anyone can answer this? btw i read this article :

According to J.A. O’Brien, a reading instruction expert, There are essentially 3 different types of readers ( our unique reading styles are influenced by this, according to him) and they are:
Motor Readers - Motor readers are lip movers or vocalizers. Such readers are extremely slow readers as they accompany their reading with various movements of the muscles of articulation. As a result, their speed of reading slows down because they artificially keep their speed down to the rate at which they can pronounce words. Moreover, since there is so much muscular activity involved in their reading, motor readers tire quickly. Motor readers make frequent regressions, for their eyes tend to rush ahead and their voice stays behind. These readers often take the help of their finger to keep a track of their reading and to stay where on the word where there voice is. All this leads to poor comprehension for their mind is as much involved with the mechanics of reading as it is with ideas.
Auditory Readers - Auditory readers "hear" the words they read, but they do not sub-vocalize to themselves. They are very much aware of saying words in their mind, although their speech organs are completely at rest. This means, that they do not actually pronounce each word aloud but only imagine the pronunciation. Auditory readers are mush more skillful and rapid. Auditory reading is faster than motor reading.
Visual Readers - Visual reading is the fastest. Visual readers do not "hear" what they are reading. They simply see a word and understand its meaning. Visual readers understand words and phrases without saying and hearing them. They read with their eyes and mind, not with their mouths or ears.
Credits to Namrata Mathur
So, what type of reader are you?

I hate this part in my houz 2

Geez... Thought this perhaps a hundreds times I feel very annoyed... I'm in my gold cage, I feel safe but then I hve to follow orders, rules and so whatever... SUCKS



saving for future is one of things that I don't like to think about... If I could choose I prefer not having my future... Sorry for ppl who really want to live 4eva, but I absolutely don't agree..... But I can't ending mylife myself for that is a sin to do that. But I have a strong feeling that I hve my bomb.. Whatever the trigger it will soon vanished me from this world lol. Geez.... I'm talkking crap and yes... All ppl surround me is a crap and they are making me feel the crap's of world .........